Reflecting on Losing my Mom and Leaving for Europe

Happy Monday!!

Today my boyfriend Andy and I are off to Europe. First stop is Germany for Oktoberfest in Munich, then we take the train to Salzburg in Austria, then Venice, Florence and Rome (with day trips in between.) I am excited but I have also been through so much this last month that life right now is extremely overwhelming. I'm gonna get a little personal here just to warn you. I feel it is important for me to talk about what I am going through.

I lost my mom suddenly on August 31st this year, she died of a brain aneurysm at 61 years old. Though I have put on a brave face this has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I feel broken. My mom and I had been through so much together, sometimes are relationship was good and sometimes it wasn't as good but when she died we were in a really good place. We were friends.
We talked on the phone almost everyday, she was my biggest facebook stalker and my blogs #1 fan. Not being able to call her or see her cat posts or positive affirmations on facebook breaks my heart. There are no words to describe the pain I feel. Everyone says you don't understand it until it happens to you and they couldn't be more right.

I took only five days off from work after my mom passed to help my dad out and make funeral arrangements. I then immediately went back to work. This was not forced on me but I thought it would be a good distraction.
Looking back now I know this was not the best thing for me to do. Work is really tough when you haven't taken a moment to truly grieve. I feel like all my senses have been heightened and dealing with day to day tasks and problems have been really difficult. I didn't know how much anxiety I would have and how sensitive I would become.

I know now the importance of taking time to mentally adjust to losing a loved one. As painful as it is I think it is really important to be alone with your thoughts and feelings for a little while. Yes you cry a lot and yes it hurts more then anything has ever hurt before but feeling that way is important in beginning to heal yourself.

Andy has been my rock. He has been by my side ever since I found out. I honestly don't know how I would handle life without him right now. I've never been more in love with him then I am now. I am so grateful for his care and understanding through all of this.
I am so grateful for my friends too. I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are pretty unbelievable. I'm checked in on constantly and being fed more then ever before. r

As I am now someone who has experienced the loss of my mom and the pain that goes along with it I feel like I have a lot more compassion for people. For those who have yet to experience this I really hope you try to sympathize rather then expect someone to just move on. I am not at my best right now. This whole grieving process isn't easy. For the most part the people in my life have been really understanding but I also know it's not easy to see someone you know become someone different. I feel like I am trying to figure out who I am again, how I now react to things and see and experience life. Some of it is good and some of it needs work. I ask you to please bear with me.

If you have just lost someone close to you I found it really helps to talk to people who have also suffered a loss. Their understanding is very therapeutic and helps you to feel less alone. It is a very different conversation talking about what you are going through with someone who has been there then someone who has not. It's a deeper connection and you need that right now.

I think now is the perfect time for me to get away. All I have done this year is worked and saved my money for this trip. I need to stop and experience life. Travel is a big priority in my life and I am so grateful I get to do it. During this trip more then any other I really want to experience it all, to take it all in and just live it. Life is way too short.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. I feel like grief can be a very private experience but it's a subject I think is important for people to talk about because it really is so hard.

My mom and I

Rest in peace mom.
I love you and miss you.r

I won't be blogging much if at all for the three weeks I am away. I think it is important for me to unplug for a little while. I will however be posting photos on Instagram if you want to follow me.
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See you later!!
Xoxo- Michelle